A Discovery of Witches by Deborah Harkness

Rating

Did Not Finish

The book's description from the author's website:

When historian Diana Bishop opens a bewitched alchemical manuscript in Oxford’s Bodleian Library it represents an unwelcome intrusion of magic into her carefully ordinary life. Though descended from a long line of witches, she is determined to remain untouched by her family’s legacy. She banishes the manuscript to the stacks, but Diana finds it impossible to hold the world of magic at bay any longer.

For witches are not the only otherworldly creatures living alongside humans. There are also creative, destructive daemons and long-lived vampires who become interested in the witch’s discovery. They believe that the manuscript contains important clues about the past and the future, and want to know how Diana Bishop has been able to get her hands on the elusive volume.

Chief among the creatures who gather around Diana is vampire Matthew Clairmont, a geneticist with a passion for Darwin. Together, Diana and Matthew embark on a journey to understand the manuscript’s secrets. But the relationship that develops between the ages-old vampire and the spellbound witch threatens to unravel the fragile peace that has long existed between creatures and humans—and will certainly transform Diana’s world as well.

I think I'm pretty much done with romances. Every single one I've read in the past couple of years seemed to be dumber than the one before. A Discovery of Witches takes the prize in the latest string of romance novels written exclusively for stupid people. Don't let the categorization as fantasy fool you. I thought I was going to read a fantasy book about a smart, independent woman who also happened to be a witch and who would, to be slightly brash, kick some ass. When you think that not only did she have ordinary humans and fellow witches to contend with, but also demons and vampires, then it's easy to get your hopes up, settling in to what promised to be a smart escapist adventure of a read. It's not smart, the only time 'escape' would enter my mind was when I wanted to run from the story, and sitting home with my three kids is more of an adventure than spending time with the stuck-up, boring witch Diana Bishop.

I am not a reader who discounts a novel because the main character is unlikable. Not always. There are unlikable characters that were assigned such a role by an author (whether as a straight-up anti-hero or as a way to display that world is not made up of people we only want to fall in love with but that there needs to be a balance, if only to have some fun) and I have found myself absolutely loathing a character but also loving a story. And then there are characters that we're supposed root for, like, adore, what have you but an author fails to deliver in the characterization department and unknowingly (due to the lack of writing skills) manages to base a whole novel on a person that will make me at best roll my eyes in exasperation and put the said book away in disgust at worst. Deborah Harkness' character, Diana Bishop fell somewhere in between exasperation and disgust. She was such a perfect specimen that I began to wonder if she might have been an alien creature. She had the best powers any witch could have, she was a genius with all kinds of doctoral degrees, her bookcases no doubt brimming with awards for her scholarly work (of course, she was also a very young genius, not even forty yet), she was beautiful, made a vampire famous for his disregard for women fall madly in love with her, and of course she would eat like a horse without gaining a pound. All this blinding package came complete with Diana's obliviousness to all those wonderful attributes she possessed. Did the author read a manual for romance writers on how to write a run-of-the-mill romance, checked each staple requirement as she kept writing about Diana the Prodigy and that completed her education on writing? That's certainly how I imagined the process. And that's what made me decide to not waste my time on this book any further, along with minor (in comparison to the main character) other ridiculous cliches such as stunningly beautiful yet attractively dangerous vampire or a no-nonsense aunt with a hot temper as befits...you guessed it, a redhead.

One question remains: Why the hell are so many readers loving this book?! I'm not going to offend individual readers, but that A Discovery of Witches has such a following and such high ratings is yet another sign of our society's declining intelligence.

~~~~~~~~~

FTC: I wasted my hard-earned money on this book.

Call Me Princess by Sara Blaedel - Did Not Finish

Rating: 
*
The book's description from Sara Blaedel's website:

When detective inspector Louise Rick from the Copenhagen Police Murder Squad is put on the case of a young woman who has been the victim of a date rape, she soon realises that the investigation is going to be more complex than she initially thought. The woman had met the rapist on an internet dating site and he had used a false identity.
Louise starts studying old rape case records and she soon comes across a man with a profile that fits. And then a young woman is found dead, strangled, and the similarities in the cases are horrifying: there is obviously a serial murderer out there, cold-bloodedly exploiting the steadily growing trend for online dating.
Even though Louise manages to track down a couple of the aliases the man uses, all attempts to discover his true identity fail. When her friend, journalist Camilla Lind, says that she has also been dating a man she met via the internet, Louise realises that the only way she can stop the rapist’s reign of terror is to go on the net and lure him out of anonymity.

That was a 'did-not-finish' of epic proportions. I stopped before I even got to 5% of the book. The writing is just awful. The nonsensical metaphors and unnecessary descriptions of every 'muscle twitch' and of every thought going on in the characters' minds helped me make up my mind quickly. Didn't want to bother trying to read on and give the book a chance to redeem itself. I highly doubt there's any redemption to be found in there. Call Me Princess is Sara Blædel's American debut novel and she apparently wrote it in English instead of her native Danish (I cannot find any translation info at all) and that very well may be the reason why Call Me Princess seems to me a train wreck while its author is apparently hailed as one of the most successful crime writers in Denmark. I hope next time the publishers will hire a translator instead.

FTC: I received an e-galley from Net Galley.

Across the Nightingale Floor by Lian Hearn

 The book's description from Audible:

A tour-de-force novel set in ancient Japan filled with passion, fantasy, and feuding warlords. The first volume in the highly anticipated Tales of the Otori trilogy.
Sixteen-year-old Takeo's village has been massacred by an evil warlord, and he is about to be slain by the men who murdered his parents and neighbors. At the last moment, his life is saved by a nobleman, who claims the boy as his kin and begins his education.
But nothing is as it seems. Takeo discovers that he has rare powers that are useful to those around him. As he grows into manhood, he must decide where his loyalties lie: with his noble master and adoptive father; with the Hidden, a secret, spiritual sect whose beliefs are forbidden; or with the Tribe, the assassins and spies who consider him one of their own.

 ********

 I couldn't, I just couldn't stand this book. I have no idea what the people who gave this book five or four stars were thinking. I just have to wonder what kinds of books they read in general if they praise this dreadful story to high heavens. Across the Nightingale Floor is one of the most boring books I've read in a long, long time. The story was going absolutely nowhere, the plot was mundane and I felt as if my brain cells were slowly disappearing. And categorizing it as a fantasy is misleading. Placing a story in a made up country (uncannily resembling feudal Japan that really had nothing to do with an alternate world) does not a fantasy novel make. I've been reading fantasy books all my life, so I would know.

I realize I'm being harsh but I am very upset and mislead by all the praise and high ratings I fell for. This book deserves three stars at best. Check that, it really only deserves two stars. I was feeling generous suggesting three.

I haven't finished this book and it's not in my nature to review books that I don't finish. However, with five hours of listening time wasted and only two and a half of this torture to go, I knew the 'Aha!' moment wasn't coming and my opinion wouldn't have changed.