I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
Okay, and a little bit more from Groucho Marx:
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!