Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Okay, it's time to write something.

As you have noticed (if there are still any readers out there who bother to visit my blog) I have not been quite up to par with my blog maintenance, posting, visitng other blogs and commenting. The main reason is this: a couple of weeks ago I found out I was pregnant and a week ago it was confirmed by my doctor. I should be ecstatic about the news but instead I am still struggling with it. You might ask why, you might say it's great news, it's a blessing, many women are not that lucky...And I agree. From a logical standpoint, I know I have to be happy about it and I want nothing more than to feel joy. The problem is, I suffer from chronic depression and unfortunately pregnancy is not a magical cure many people think it is. Quite the opposite. I am very worried about people around me who have to deal with me. Every day I am ridden with guilt on top of my depression deepening with every day that goes by.
I have a ten-year-old daughter and I honestly thought that she would remain my only child. Even though I love her more than life itself and we have a great relationship, I do not consider myself a mother material. Whenever I am around little children, I get anxious and nervous. I even have major issues with babysitting my 3-year-old nephew occasionally. Naturally, I worry how I will manage a baby in my own home. Not to mention the financial struggles I am going through. I have stopped making any money whatsoever, the state of economy is glaring at me in my profession. Sure, translator sounds fine but when a company has to make cuts, a document needed translation is the first one to go. I have learned that this is something most companies can do without.
Geez, I am crying already as I am writing this post because I honestly had never imagined that my life would be as it is. I am so jealous of other women who I see happy, smiling, having so much energy to do so many interesting things where I find it difficult to get up in the morning and the thought of washing the dishes alone makes me tired. Everything seems like an insurmountable task and it makes me so sad...