Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Okay, it's time to write something.

As you have noticed (if there are still any readers out there who bother to visit my blog) I have not been quite up to par with my blog maintenance, posting, visitng other blogs and commenting. The main reason is this: a couple of weeks ago I found out I was pregnant and a week ago it was confirmed by my doctor. I should be ecstatic about the news but instead I am still struggling with it. You might ask why, you might say it's great news, it's a blessing, many women are not that lucky...And I agree. From a logical standpoint, I know I have to be happy about it and I want nothing more than to feel joy. The problem is, I suffer from chronic depression and unfortunately pregnancy is not a magical cure many people think it is. Quite the opposite. I am very worried about people around me who have to deal with me. Every day I am ridden with guilt on top of my depression deepening with every day that goes by.
I have a ten-year-old daughter and I honestly thought that she would remain my only child. Even though I love her more than life itself and we have a great relationship, I do not consider myself a mother material. Whenever I am around little children, I get anxious and nervous. I even have major issues with babysitting my 3-year-old nephew occasionally. Naturally, I worry how I will manage a baby in my own home. Not to mention the financial struggles I am going through. I have stopped making any money whatsoever, the state of economy is glaring at me in my profession. Sure, translator sounds fine but when a company has to make cuts, a document needed translation is the first one to go. I have learned that this is something most companies can do without.
Geez, I am crying already as I am writing this post because I honestly had never imagined that my life would be as it is. I am so jealous of other women who I see happy, smiling, having so much energy to do so many interesting things where I find it difficult to get up in the morning and the thought of washing the dishes alone makes me tired. Everything seems like an insurmountable task and it makes me so sad...

14 comments:

  1. *hugs*
    I don't know what to say, try to cheer you up with hollow words that everything is going to be ok.

    Or that from what I know about you from our brief acquittance. I know you will make this. You are getting a child, your daughter is getting a sibling. You will have them both and maybe your luck will turn. This crisis can't go on forever. Hang in there, and just fight off that depression. I know that isn't easy

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  2. Oh Lilly...I feel for you. I do have absolute confidence in your parenting abilities though. You said that you have a 10 year old daughter, so it really hasn't been that long ago since you went through this, I know it seems like ages, but really it isn't. I will definitely keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

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  3. Sending you HUGE HUGS!!! I suffer depression, so I know how overwhelming it can become. You are such a wonderful and delightful person, any child would be lucky to have you for their mommy. You will be great with your new bundle and your daughter is old enough to help out. Take care of yourself and if you need someone to ever vent to or just talk with, please know that I am here for you.

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  4. Sending hugs your way. Don't know what to say other than take joy in your daughter and let her help you plan for the new baby. Perhaps in some way, her joy at preparing for her new sibling will help you. Will keep you in our thoughts and prayers. :)

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  5. Lily, wishing you the strength you need to get through all of this. Your 10 y/old may be a bigger help with a little one than you think. Best wishes.

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  6. I suffer from depression/anxiety too. I have felt all of the same feelings that you have described. I know it doesn't help to tell you it will be get better, but I promise you it will. Sending you a BIG HUG!

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  7. Hi Lily,

    Congrats on the news. I am sending you a virtual hug and to let you know that we are all here for you if you ever want to talk.

    Its rough I am sure and can understand what your saying. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

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  8. Lily I know that anyone who reads your blog sees you as a beautiful, brillant : D, capable woman. Depression is the worst, you are doing the right thing by reaching out to everyone-we are here for you- we are not only words on your computer screen, we are real and you are in our hearts. There is always hope where there is love and you are loved.

    Don't give in to the darkness of depression, you will find your joy again.

    Bev
    Merry Weather

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  9. Oh Lilly, my heart goes out to you right now. I've told you before that I suffer from depression also so I can relate to what you're saying about being so sad. Right now it's even worse for you because you're overwhelmed with being pregnant and all that comes with it for you. You've said though that you have a good relationship with your 10 yr old and that makes me sure that you will do just fine by the new baby. Let these feelings of being overwhelmed subside a bit and maybe things will seem calmer in a few weeks. Just know that a lot of us care about you and are here to listen. I applaud the fact that you are open about your depression. Sometimes just having people know about it helps a little bit. Many hugs to you right now, hang in there. I know it's hard but I believe in you.

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  10. You know that I'm no stranger to horrible depression, and I know that it does little good to hear "everything's going to be okay" no matter how true or heartfelt the words may be. The demon just doesn't let someone who's depressed hear the truth or the love behind those words.

    Just don't forget two very important things: (1) No matter how dark things may get, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. If you need to talk to someone, even if it's only through email, I'm here for you!! (2) When you're depressed, one of the first things you tend to forget is that you are your own worst critic. Try, try, try not to listen to yourself so much...and to listen a bit more to those who care about you!

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  11. I have struggled with depression and anxiety in the past, so I really feel for you. You have a lot of people pulling for you, and we're here for you. ((HUGS))

    --Anna
    Diary of an Eccentric

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  12. I hope things get better for you and this pregnancy turns out to be an unimagined joy for you.

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  13. Lilly, I hope that things work out for you. You can get through this!

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  14. Oh Lilly, my heart goes out to you, I know personally how difficult it is to suffer with depression & anxiety. As much as you want things to be different, it isn't simply a case of 'snapping out of it' or 'staying positive'.

    Just know that you are not alone, you have a lot of people who care about you and how you are feeling. I'm sending {hugs}, love & support across the miles and hopefully sometime soon there will be rays of sunshine peeping through the fog & rain.

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